Why is this feeling keeps on bothering me?~

Lately,there's this feeling that keeps on bothering me every time i watched boy groups like INFINITE,SHINEE,B1A4,BOYFRIEND etc.The feeling of loneliness,emptiness,and a need of something or someone.Earlier today,i read dozen of fanfics,actually a few hehe.The fanfics starred BOYFRIEND.I've been having high interest towards them especially towards the 3 maknaes :Kwangmin-Youngmin-Minwoo.Just by hearing their group name made be jealous and irritated for some reason.Nonetheless reading a fantasy story about having them as a boyfriend.Uggh!!

I always wanted to experience the feeling of having someone thats always by your side when you needed them to be.the one comforting you when you upset.the one making you smile with his silly joke.the one taking you to dates at the place you wanted to go.the one seeing you after school.the first one that will run to you when somethings wrong.the one that will give you a 'popo' [if you don't know what this is,try ask a korean or a kpop fan] before you go home.

i always wanted to experience that.BUT,after thinking twice.i'm not at the level were i can feel those things.i STILL NEED TO STUDY.with all those thoughts in my head,HOW CAN I STUDY!?! UGH!!!

after thinking those things,i would always say,"why even i'm thinking like that?","no one would want an ugly looking girl like me...","i'm not smart...","neither do i'm nice..","i think not even one of the guy i like would like me back.."....when i think back of i said..its right...
i'm not a good at expressing feelings at a person...when i want to express nice feelings it would always turns the other way..people would mistake as rude,emotionless and even heartless.
there's this one night that i've cried nonstop for 3 straight hours....thinking about my life..how would i like it to go as i wanted it to be...that night i've cried myself to sleep without my family noticing...
i admit that i'm a easy-crier,hot-tempered and many others...i easily get mad...especially to the ones that i just know...i also easy to cried on little things...not to mention the big ones...

i just wanted a special someone where i can rely on and comfort me....how i wish life would go as i wanted....but....it cant...HE has set it for me...may he give me hapiness in the future...

Annyeong!